The Little Virus Who Fell In Love

influenza virus by kat m research, on Flickr

“I got a fever for you, beautiful.”

Original Photo © Kat Masback, kat m on Flickr. Edited and re-shared under:
Creative Commons Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic License

There once was a virus who fell in love with its host.

It drifted around in their bloodstream, dreamily content with its lot in life. Every moment was a joy. It was physically joined with its true love, and it had never wanted anything more.

One day, after a spate of joyous multiplying, the virus noticed with alarm that their host appeared to have fallen ill.

“Oh dear,” said the virus (for it inexplicably had the ability to speak as well as to experience abstract emotions like love and joy). “I’d better do something.”

And so the virus did the only thing it knew how: it began to multiply at a faster rate than ever before. It hoped that if it became strong enough it would be able to help its love.

But the more the virus multiplied, the sicker their host seemed to get. This only made the virus more determined to help before time ran out.

Spurred by love, it multiplied faster and faster and faster. Until, suddenly…

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Exploding Cats & Panic Attacks

Cat on Beach walking away from Explosion by ifindkarma, on Flickr

The situation was getting a little out of hand.

Photo © Adam Rifkin, ifindkarma on Flickr
CC Attribution 2.0

“But the Society of Esteemed & Honorable Vicars can’t possibly go in there! That room has already been booked by…”

(both look at one another, sharing the horrific realisation)

“Oh no…”

(in unison) “THE INTERNATIONAL STRIPPERS CHAMPIONSHIPS”

(Little Billy enters)

“Bad news sirs… there was a mixup with the zookeeper and I’m afraid there’s a SECOND tiger on the loose…”

(In the background, Old Mrs Adams faints)

Everyone rushes to leave at once, accidentally knocking Little Billy into the fireplace.

He runs around wildly, in the process setting fire to the cat, who explodes due to all the gunpowder ingested during the earlier mishap (see p17).

(Zoom to Little Billy) “Sir! I’ve spotted another problem…”

(Roll credits)

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It’s Helpful to Seek Fresh Perspectives

shelf by YellowDog, on Flickr

Assorted invisible strange items.

Photo © YellowDog, YellowDog on Flickr
CC Attribution-SA 2.0 Generic License

Let’s summarise The Story So Far of this initial exploration of anxiety.

And because I’m dangerously over-organised, let’s do it as a list:

These three points don’t sound like a lot of insight for three whole blogposts. I don’t even need my inner critic to tell me that.

Inner critic: That’s no problem, I have plenty of other criticisms. For example, do you remember that time you called your teacher “Mum” in primary school?! You’re a genuine one-man cringe industry.

Not now, inner critic, thanks.

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Walking on Custard Release Date Announced and Kindle Pre-Order Available!

Walking on Custard & the Meaning of Life

The day of Walking on Custard release has nearly arrived! The Kindle version has landed!

Huge news everybody!

I can announce that the release date for the paperback edition of Walking on Custard & the Meaning of Life will be the 31st March. Sign up to the mailing list for the latest developments.

MORE huge news everybody!

The Kindle version is available for pre-order RIGHT NOW. Go to this page to get your copy, which will be delivered on release day: also 31 March.

Do share the news… let your friends, family, neighbours, and random people on the street know. It’s nearly time to solve the mystery of the link between custard, anxiety and happiness.

Yours excitedly,
Neil

Untangling Anxiety: The First Step

Tangled wires, Freegeek, Portland, Orego by gruntzooki, on Flickr

Untangle THIS!

Photo © Cory Doctorow, gruntzooki on Flickr
CC Attribution-SA 2.0 Generic License

The first thing I had to do after admitting that I had anxiety was to decide to actually do something towards being less anxious.

Well, I say the “first” thing. But this decision actually took me several years.

In fairness, I was busy! You can’t just drop everything and go ‘deal with anxiety’, can you?

Plus, if I left it alone maybe it would just get better? Maybe if I started messing with it, it would only get worse… Not to mention that it sounds difficult and unpleasant. Let’s just forget it and watch a film, or something. Please?

These – plus many other excuses – kept me from action for a long, long time. It wasn’t until everything became completely intolerable that I finally chose to do whatever it took to stop being anxious.

But to make that decision I had to believe I could be less anxious.

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Distracted by Cake

I was intending to write the next part of the series about anxiety, but I accidentally wrote a story about a cake instead. I’m sorry.

The Story About A Cake

Day One Hundred and Eighty - Lemon Surpr by Yortw, on Flickr

“Hello. Would you like to talk about enlightenment?”

Photo © Yortw, yortw on Flickr
CC Attribution 2.0 Generic License

“Hello,” said the cake. “Have you ever met a talking cake before?”

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I Was Ashamed of Being Anxious

Vertigo by colmbritton, on Flickr. No hiding anxiety here!

A long way to fall…

Photo © Colm Britton, colmbritton on Flickr
CC Attribution 2.0 Generic License

Many years ago, a German exchange student came to live with my family for a year.

This had many implications, including some interesting cultural exchange, another teenager to share the household washing-up burden that SO UNFAIRLY fell on my brother and I, and an extra excuse to go on lots of fun trips.

During one outing to a theme park, we came across a terrifying ride, called Oh Dear God Why Would You Go On THIS Are You A Total Fool.*

* I may not be remembering the name of this ride correctly.

It involved lying flat, suspended only by a thick elastic cord, and being pulled seventy feet in the air, and then being dropped towards the ground below. For “fun”.

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What Is Anxiety?!

Conga ant by ggallice, on Flickr

A terrifying vision of possible bitey disaster

Photo © Geoff Gallice, gruntzooki on Flickr
CC Attribution-SA 2.0 Generic License

I was once attacked by a Bolivian Conga Ant.

Well. Nearly.

I was visiting the rainforest (obviously). One day, I awoke at 5am to find an ant wandering along the surface of the mosquito net, inches in front of my face.

I watched it for a moment, half-dozing, listening to the sounds of the jungle while I slowly woke up… until I realised with a jolt… THAT ANT IS INSIDE MY MOSQUITO NET.

I responded calmly and rationally by flying into a complete panic.

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The Custard Has Landed

Okay, so “I hope to release during January” was waaaay optimistic. Somehow I forgot that every single job takes way more time than you possibly imagined.

Anyway, the first print samples arrived today:

The samples have arrived!

The first ever copies of ‘Walking on Custard’


Exciting! There are some weird printing issues on a few pages, but I expect to get those resolved pretty quickly. It looks like the eventual release date will be late March/early April, which I think morally counts as “early 2015”, right?

As soon as I’ve got the release date set I’ll be springing into action everywhere. I have a lot I’ve been planning to talk about here, but have been prioritising the work on finishing the book. I thought at Christmas that the manuscript was basically finished… how wrong I was.

Luckily, it now needs only very minor polish and the sorting of the printing problems, and then I’ll be tackling my big list of topics for blogposts in the lead up to launch (and afterwards, of course).

First!

It’s traditional* for the first post on a new blog to be solely about the first post itself, and who am I to ignore Tradition?

* Well, probably traditional, though honestly I just made this up. It certainly sounds traditional enough for me.

At the time of writing this site is artistically unfinished and somewhat unattractive, but it is at least functional and I can continue to beautify it while hefting the book over the finish line.

Regarding the book, I’m optimistically hoping it will be out sometime in January. The current status is: Final proof-reading needs to be finished, the blurb needs to be finalised and added to the cover, and then I’ve got to prepare the formatting for both the print and e-book versions. Plus marketing and ISBN handling and all that delightful business.

think my Master To Do List contains everything, but I have been fooled into thinking that several times already, only to find that there is yet another step required.

I pessimistically expect to discover there are yet more forms I must send to mysterious companies for arcane reasons I barely understand.

Someday I’ll write a post explaining my experiences navigating the minefield of publishing, but today is not yet that day.

Today is only the day I write a “First!” post before going out to celebrate New Year.

Hope you all have a great end to 2014.

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